Still alive & sanity check mid-’15

It has been awhile since I’ve posted, but I assure you that I’m still alive in every which way.

Things are going as they should. I wake up, find my arms and legs in place; face, cheekbones, chirping oiseaux outside the window. They sound happy, and I save the sound for sad times.

The washing machine; well-oiled and working. It whirs and I temporarily forget the birdsong. The whizzing traffic of metropolitan Europe is no different in this regard. I hear sounds only to forget others.

Sometimes, just before dozing into balmy oblivion, I catch my own sounds: beyond sticky blinks, throbbing chest, and measured breaths. Songs of my thoughts and sounds of their echoed endings, leaving me to muse in the choppy Memory Stew that dreams so often are.

I wake up, sifting through the pieces, as we so often do.

Nothing.

Oiseaux.

Breath.

Still alive.

This has been a routine sanity check.

It is only a check.

Bananas Friday

Black Friday or Bananas Friday? How about: LetsNotLoseOurSanityFriday?
As Timo has put it, “It’s only a made-up holiday.”
And this is only a grocery store…

We will miss everything

Imma lazy motherf—

Yes indeed. Haven’t blogged in a couple of weeks.

But there is good reason! I’ve been doing some serious soul-searching in Colorado, surrounded by the rockiest of Rocky Mountains and abundant wildlife. It’s a paradise of sorts, yet my brain hasn’t accepted the idea of being here. It wants to refuse this adventure and retreat into an itty bitty ball.

It says– “Gahhhhh!!! What are you doing here? Explain it to me!!!” Well, what if I don’t wanna? What if I just feel it?

A quote…

“If your head tells you one thing, and your heart tells you another, before you do anything, you should first decide whether you have a better head or a better heart.”
– Marilyn Vos Savant

Of course I have stories to tell– Elk that use crosswalks. Next entry. Soon, I mean.

Standing on diving boards

Standing on diving boards is my favorite metaphor for hesitation– When we fail to act or make a decision because of our fear of the unknown. “I’m not going to jump because I’m petrified of what MIGHT happen, so I’ll just stand here.” Ugh.

Uncertainty is certainly scary, as is the fear of failure. But what’s scarier is inaction. Essentially standing on a diving board your entire life. Walking in circles. Pacing across the floor of your living room, stomach twisted in knots over the myriad of potential outcomes for…whatever it is. But the hard truth is: there are no guarantees. Unless you’re shopping at Wal Mart.

Most tragic of all is the fact that jumping is the stuff of life. New experiences, sensations, knowledge!!! And sheer fun. Jumping is fun. Sometimes the scariest shit is most fun. Like roller coasters. When I was younger I was terrified of them until I gave it a go, then you couldn’t keep me away. Interesting how that works. The stuff we’re scared of BECOMES US once we conquer our fears– we literally strap ourselves to it!

Indecision is a real killer. It’s like living in quicksand– You have an idea, a gut feeling, and almost immediately it gets sucked into this pit of pros and cons and perfectionism and ego and blah blah who the fuck knows. You simply no longer trust the brilliant idea and it’s lost in the sauce.

And with that, I have decided to end this post.